So, I trust that the Lord will renew me. I trust that as I press into Him that He will reveal more of Himself and His character to me as He brings me out of this darkness. I trust that He will use me and all my experiences to glorify His name, to support others and to continually point to Him.
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40: 28-31)
It’s been a hard few weeks.
I feel exhausted all the time, everything is a little hazy and numb, and I feel like at any second I might shatter.
My January started well, I got into a great routine for prayer and reading the word daily, I was seeing how God was working in my life, and through my work. Slowly and surely however I’ve been under attack. Little things that have been hard over the last few months have reared their heads, insecurities and issues have eaten away at me. Satan has been gripping on to as many aspects of my life as he can and unfortunately in some places, right now he’s winning.
When asked this week who is my support network, I was heartbroken to actually think about it, I realised that hurt and manipulation has led to brokenness and distance in friendships. That I’ve started having panic attacks and feeling like a stranger in my own life yet haven’t really been able to process it myself or with people.
And that just sucks.
But I refuse to let it consume me.
I refuse to give up, even though sometimes I desperately want to.
Because even when I can’t feel it, I know that there is a God who has so much more for me than I’m seeing right now. I know that He cares so deeply for me and when my heart breaks so does His, and I’m reminded of that daily in some of the people around me. Through my boyfriend James who sits with me and prays for strength and for more of Gods presence in my life. Through Kate who reminds me that even though I feel so burnt out at the minute, that my work is Kingdom building and that is the most important thing I can do. Through all the people who say thank you, who ask about my day and really care about the answer, and through the people who model Christ for me.
What’s your default when things are hard?
Do you bury your head in the sand? Do you ignore church and fellowship, pretending that no-one wants to help you?
Or, do you pursue. Even when it feels like it’s pointless do you pray? Do you keep going to church, surrounding yourself with people who model Christ?
As a blunt person I’ll tell you now that the first option is gonna be so so harmful. That no matter who you are or where you are with faith, you need to be plugged into a church (trust me I learnt that the hard way). Making big statements that you know you’re in a bad place with God, with no intention of trying to fix it in the hope that it’ll just sort itself eventually is potentially the worst thing you can do. If you’re not looking for God in your life then how are you meant to see Him and the things He is doing through you and through the people around you. Likewise you need people who are going to inspire you, who won’t just let you sit in darkness telling you it’s okay to hurt but that will have the hard conversations, tell you when you need to just suck it up and will bring you to the foot of the cross.
I’m thankful that even when I don’t feel close to God, I have the knowledge that ignoring Him isn’t going to make anything better.
So how do you pursue Him?
Thankfully God requires nothing from us but faith and trusting in Him. This means that even on our days where we feel like we can’t give Him anything it’s okay. Instead we ask. For help, for strength, for wisdom and for more of Him.
Simple prayers are so underrated.
These last few days I’ve been relying on prayers like “Lord I need you” “Lord give me strength to face this day” and other 5-10 second prayers as often as possible throughout the day, crying out to Him because I trust Him. From this persistence I’ve noticed a strengthening of my prayer life and I’m able to spend more and more time in prayer.
We see so many examples in the Bible of people crying out to God, such as David in the Psalms, or Jesus on the cross, but this is not a sign of weakness, instead it is one of faithfulness. We have a choice to look to God and pursuing Him will never be a bad option.
In hard times:
Don’t shut yourself off from church or fellowship.
Pray simple prayers asking for God’s help.
Ask people to pray for you daily.
Stay in the Word, taking little chunks at a time reading it over and over (Psalms are great).
Listen to worship music, other people usually have the words when we don’t.
So, I trust that the Lord will renew me. I trust that as I press into Him that He will reveal more of Himself and His character to me as He brings me out of this darkness. I trust that He will use me and all my experiences to glorify His name, to support others and to continually point to Him.
And I trust that He will do that for you too, no matter who or where you are.
By Caitlin Cousins.
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