For the woman who’s stuck in the darkness,
Stuck in the darkness is a horrible place to be.
Maybe you’ve just tripped and don’t have the strength to get up again just quite yet. Maybe you’re not quite sure how you’ve ended up here. Maybe you’ve been here for so long, you don’t remember what it is like to be in the sun.
I’m not sure what brought you here, but I’m sorry that you’re here.
In this place, it’s so hard to feel connected to anything, most especially to God. In this place, you feel unworthy, unloveable and unreachable. In this place, you feel so terribly alone, even in the busiest of rooms.
When you’re in the darkness, no matter how you’ve ended up here, it’s extremely difficult to find the light once again. It can feel like a hopeless task, it can seem like an impossible task.
Your nearest and dearest may try to pull you up and out, or they may not even notice as you’ve become quite the actor, as things have gotten worse, so your performance has improved. Yet, no matter what others say, your brain may tell you you are unworthy, that there is no point trying to get out of this place as it is where you belong. As you begin to speak up and out, you may find your voice is no longer there, or that little voice in your head whispers you should be stronger, stop complaining. Maybe that voice isn’t little anymore, maybe its grown up into a mighty monster that rages against every attempt you take to drag yourself out of here. Maybe you are so exhausted and burdened down by the weight of everything that you do not want to go on anymore.
I know I’m only skimming the top of the surface, but the purpose of this letter to you is not to dwell in the familiar darkness that we have become so accompanied with, but rather to offer a little hope.
This place is a terrible one, and once again I say I am sorry you are here. You’ve been beaten and bruised along the way, so much so that you do not recognise who you are today. Your notion of worth and self has vanished and you feel a little bit like an empty shell.
One of the worst feelings, the feelings that most shackle you to the floor, are guilt and shame. Your shame warps your sense of identity, whilst your guilt prevents you from turning to God, from turning to anyone. You have become so accustomed to looking at the ground that you have forgotten to look up.
My dear friend, maybe you have been tuning into the voice of shame, not that of God. You may feel unloved and lovable. You may not know where to begin. His voice is the one that promises to never leave your side, even amidst the pain, the grief and the suffering. Maybe you’ve turned your face from Him and tuned out His promises, but I want to remind you today that you are so completely, eternally and graciously loved, beyond your comprehension.
I know, it doesn’t feel that way, but He hasn’t left. He is with you, He promises to never leave you. His word is filled with stories of those who have been in a similar place. Look to the Psalms and Lamentations to see the words of lament. Moses doubted himself and his ability to be a leader, Naomi lost her family, Hannah cried out for a child, the Israelites faced trial after trial and Job faced heartbreak beyond what many of us could even imagine. His word is filled with real-life heartbreak, devastation and many who have lost their way, many who have lost sight of how precious they are in the eyes of the Lord.
Their God, is still your God today. Your problems are not bigger than your God, your God is bigger than your problems, your fears, your doubt and your worries. He is with you in the darkness. He is by your side even when you feel He has abandoned you.
He is with you now, He has always been there, and He is the only one able to clear the fog. He will never judge you, your burdens will never be too heavy for Him to lift off your shoulders. You do not have to have it altogether to come to Him, He does not expect a level of okay-ness, you do not have to earn His love or acceptance. It has already been given to you in the coming of His Son.
My words may not comfort you, but He is your ultimate source of comfort and peace. Run to Him, fling yourself at His feet. You do not need to figure everything out or be in control, He takes you as you are, He will lift you out of this deep darkness when you are ready, and slowly but surely the light will come again, as He shows it to you.
I know it’s hard, but you are not alone, you are never alone. When this world overwhelms you and burdens overcome you, hold fast to His promises, that you are worthy, loved, enough as you are.
Give yourself time, be gentle on yourself. Find Him once again. Rest in Him.
I hope and pray that you find your way out of this place, know that there is a team of people here who will fervently pray for you. There are wonderful people whose job is to help you, and if you need a little help, if you need someone to talk to or someone to listen, I hope you find the courage to do so. It may feel like a sign of weakness to need help, but in all honestly I fins it truly to be a sign of strength to pick yourself up, (see links at bottom of the page).
There is one God who will always love you.
Yours,
Sophie
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